I’m going, being honest. The title says it all, and these feelings worsen every time I stop learning something. I’ll start something with enthusiasm, go at it for a couple of weeks or months, then stop altogether. I get distracted by something new, or I reach a subject where I don’t have a proper foundation, so I jump to that. Over and over again, until I spiral into depression and my mind starts screaming at me.
Some of the more colourful thoughts are as follows; “You’re not smart enough to do this,” You quit a job and have no money.” “You should have stayed in the programs you hated. At least you might have had a job…but you’d probably leave that too”. “You have no talent.” “You’ll never travel the world; you can’t do this….”
It’s daunting and what makes it worse is that I can’t really reach out to anyone because I’m so used to this stuff being inside my head, and the years of substance abuse acts as a dangerous containment system. Being aware that there’s so much to learn, do and explore but not having the freedom to experience life worsens the problem, and I feel helpless.
I’m inside my own head; it’s where I always am, and it’s the demon I know. It’s not healthy, but acknowledging that I feel this way will help me steer clear of these feelings. Being a polymath is how I want to get out of my head; I need to look into taking it one day at a time.