Today is the halfway point of the 30 Day Blogging Challenge. No prompt today, just my own thoughts. In writing these last two weeks I find my focus gravitating between excitement and boredom. The excitement comes from trying to get my words onto the page. However, I have found boredom to be the main feeling I experience when writing.
I know I chose the writing prompts to build a foundation, but I still feel that my responses are forced. I feel demotivated to write some mornings. I know that writing is a creative process, but it feels like I’m just filling out a questionnaire. It feels like my real self isn’t getting across.
Perhaps it is my own inner critique that prevents me from getting into the flow of writing. I spend the majority of my creative time thinking than doing. This continues to be a problem that leads to self-sabotage.
I want to enjoy writing, but I don’t know how to enjoy writing. I know that enjoyment will come from writing more often. It is a matter of finding the will to push forward when I feel like a fraud. My feelings about being a fraud are due to my past inability to commit to goals.
What I’d like to commit to doing this year
In an earlier post, I identified choosing replacement habits to fortify my mental health. The three habits I chose were writing, art and technology. I am already committed to the writing habit with the near consecutive posting of these articles. I have been trying to find ways to incorporate art and technology.
It is easier to incorporate technology as a daily habit due to it being a part of my job duties. I am due to start a new contract, next week as a retail support technician. It’s a sixty-six percent salary increase from my current position. The only downside is that it is in an office, therefore, I will be at the mercy of public transit again. I’m using this weekend to mentally prepare for waking up at five am.
The company that I contract for does have an online course library to learn from. I have completed thirty additional hours of training involving cybersecurity. I am also continuing to proceed through the Automation Technician Course at George Brown College. I’d like to finish the Automation course by the end of the year.
My art habit will be harder to rebuild. It is still somewhat painful for me to put pen to page. I no longer have an end goal of what my art will do for me. Art used to make me happy, but since my father’s passing, it has only felt painful. The most I’ve been able to put down on a page are a few scribbles, but nothing more.
I can no longer see how a picture is supposed to look. I can’t get into the left-brain mode thinking when trying to draw from observation. There is no flow. It is when I try to create are that my inner critic is harshest.
Conclusion
I understand a little bit more about myself when I write these blogs. I know the next one that I write will be a struggle. Perhaps I should try thinking about the prompt before writing about the topic. For now, I just need to keep going until the 30 days are up.
I still don’t know how to finish these entries. Thanks for reading.
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