The title says it all. It’s what I feel when I try to write about what I see in the world. I’m still policing my thoughts and feelings. I know that I will be attacked for writing about myself. I hate feeling like this. It shows that I still have this slave mentality of “keep your head down, and everything will be okay.” I’m sick of it; I’m sick of having to pretend that I’m okay with this fucked up idea I have about myself.
Still subordinated in thought.
I feel angry that I occupy a low social position because of race construction. I’m angry that this racialization has affected how I have had to interact with the world in a position of subordination. I still struggle with this deprogramming. I know this is the white inferiority complex talking; I know it’s the trauma of being racialized as an underclass and having that impact everything you believe about yourself.
I’m torn between having the hope of a better future for all and the present-day bigotries’ persistent disappointments. To see the blatant abuses of white delusion try to legally strip away the Personhood of the majority of the world population. To know that so many would hide behind the lie of “election security” or “tradition” to prevent people from exercising their rights. We are in an intraspecies war with evolution’s moral rejects.
Our Species is at War with anti-Humans.
To choose whiteness is to be anti-Human. I will continue to call out this injustice every day. Every day the anti-Human mindset causes harm. The anti-Human is always fearful. The anti-Human hates being alive but is afraid to die. The anti-Human is the ego trying to keep itself alive. The anti-Human is generational fear. And it wants others to feel that fear at every possible opportunity. The majority of Humanity is what the anti-Humans fear.
The identity that comes about from experience and cooperation is alien to practitioners of this mindset. The obedience to abusive authority has killed any potential within the anti-Human. As such, the anti-Human knows no other way than to destroy itself in the service of maintaining abusive authority. The anti-Human is unresolved trauma embodied and it only knows how to infect others if not stopped.
How to Move Forward
Being aware that anti-Humans exist is essential to creating a better future for our species. Much as the media gives attention to the violence perpetrated by the anti-Humans, we must remember, that globally, they are a minority. The message of anti-Humans is prominent only because fear is much more marketable to the masses. A fearful population is often easier to control. I have experienced this fear myself when watching media and making the obvious connections to the corruption seen on my screen.
My awareness of these messages and techniques is why I continue to try, even when I feel it is useless to do so. I must remember that giving up is exactly what the system wants us to do. My potential and Personhood are not a scapegoat for others’ unresolved trauma. I will not allow my story to be told as fiction by those who criminalize my existence.
Living in fear is how the anti-Humans continue to abuse us, Humans. I am learning to write because I have no longer wish to be afraid of living. To write is to affirm that I exist on this planet. I have something to offer this world that is beyond the fear of others. What it is I have to offer, I do not yet know, but it will no longer be hindered by those who are fearful.