Today I’m getting back to using writing prompts. I started to write this challenge to replace a negative habit of consuming media. I think part of the reason that I feel miserable in my isolation is due to the overconsumption of information. Too much of anything is often bad for you. For myself that used to be alcohol and weed. Though I have drastically reduced my alcohol intake in the last two years, I should really do the same for THC.
I used to self-medicate to quite my awareness of the absurdity of modern life. While that did make me numb, it wouldn’t help. It just leads to complacency and impotent rage. Writing reduces that feeling of rage but I wonder what else I could do to become less angry at the world?
Art instead of alcohol
In 2019 I decided to stop my alcohol abuse. Though I had made previous attempts to reduce my consumption of alcohol, it was my father’s cancer diagnosis that finally forced me to quit. I knew I wouldn’t be able to help my family if I was inebriated. Facing my disappointing life without alcohol as a coping method was difficult. All that disappointment and bitterness needed an outlet to be released. So I turned to art.
Art was something I had always enjoyed as a child, but I never had the patience to improve my technique. I didn’t have a plan for it, all I knew is that it made me happy. Putting pencil or ink to page and releasing my ideas was a better experience than feeling sloshed and depressed.
For a while, I was making progress. I started a youtube channel and made a few random webcomics. My goal was to be a freelance artist and be paid by commissions. That wouldn’t come to fruition, unfortunately.
Dad died on May 29th, 2021 at the age of 67. Since his passing, it’s been difficult, if not impossible, to create anything. I have made any videos or comics since his passing.
I guess my dad was my inspiration for art and with him gone, I see no point in trying to continue with this pursuit. The urge to create on the page is still there, but it’s blocked by my own inner critic and depression.
It’s only in the last couple of months that I’ve tried to build the art habit again, but the fear is still too great. I know this demotivation will pass but until such a time that it does, I won’t have the heart to draw.
Fortunately, writing is an alternative.
Writing to get the garbage out of my head
While art will always be my creative end goal, I will stick to writing for now. Learning to blog was my first attempt at something creative. Since I am an introverted Black male, it was a better outlet for expressing my feelings about the world. Having worked in industries where drudgery was the norm, I needed some way to vent my frustrations. In the past, talking to people didn’t help because I couldn’t express the anger I was feeling that I wouldn’t be gaslit about. Or worse, those whom the system was designed for, giving the shit advice, of trying harder in an industry that sees me as expendable.
Those past experiences are why I avoid making connections at work and in real life. I can’t lie to myself and be content with misery. Every day that I clocked into a kitchen, factory or parade night, I was slowly killing myself mentally. It was like living in a videogame. Choosing the same set of dialogue options and wanted to get back to the game hub, just to start all over again. Every damned day.
Everything seemed pointless in day-to-day life. There was no purpose or meaning. Just an existence of suffering in silence and watching others be blissfully unaware. Watching others be contented in the mundanity of material accumulation only added to my frustration with others.
I think part of me was envious of other peoples’ ability to just enjoy the moment. I would never be able to afford that. My personality means I don’t belong, just like my skin colour and I’d become too jaded to believe that others would want to accept me.
So I withdrew into my mind. I’d daydream or talk to myself instead of others. Talking to oneself can only accomplish so much, that’s why I started writing out my thoughts.
Whether it’s on a sheet of paper or a text document, seeing the words I want to articulate gives me a better understanding of myself. It allows me to examine my biases and mental state daily. I can choose what to share and what to delete. It gets my ideas out for examination and to reflect on what I’m feeling. When I read my thoughts, I sometimes think of myself as a supervillain, I guess that’s why I try to self-study technology.
Learning technology as a hobby
When writing doesn’t feel write, I’ll often switch to dabbling in learning technology. Tech has always fascinated me but my pathway into it has always been a difficult road. I was initially learning technology to get out of food service and general labour jobs. That initial learning became a habit that piqued my curiosity. With every new concept or system that I was introduced to, I would find myself asking ‘how does this work?’. The more I learned about how programs and hardware worked together, the more my interest grew.
There were Humble book bundles involving applied sciences, engineering, programming, drafting/design, electronics and mathematics. These books offered an introduction to how Humans use technology to offload the drudgery of existence onto machines.
Being a descendant of enslaved persons, that is a world that needs to happen, lest someone else is forced into the same misery I feel. In fact, the misery I felt from food service, general labour and reserve military service is why I’m so adamant about automation.
Human beings, regardless of geography, sexual orientation, gender identity or class must be free from the toil of survival. I know that’s why I’m in an Automation Technician Program right now. If want machines to take over human drudgery so that more time can be spent solving the problems of food, shelter, education and creativity that Humans would thrive upon.
If we could automate extraction, manufacturing, construction and maintenance, where would we be as a Species? How many prejudices could be eliminated when we no longer have to kill each other over artificial scarcity? What would it be like if the world could bring about everyone’s potential instead of toiling away for the profits of useless shareholders?
I can only imagine, but I’d like what’s in my imagination to become reality. Therefore I must learn as much as I can to help make that world.
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