It is now the 11th day of this blogging challenge. The flow of words is coming more naturally now. I’m not really in a rush or writing to be picked up by search engine robots. Today’s prompt is about journaling negativity. With my own introverted personality and pessimistic outlook. To deal with such disappointments I have taken to writing. In a sense, these blog posts are a form of journaling.
Journaling as an introvert
When one is introverted, one tends to be seen as an oddity. Life has made extraversion the default state of being. From my own perspective, it feels like reinforcing collective narcissism. I never really understood the purpose of boasting about oneself in order to impress others. It just makes one a target. Furthermore, it’s absolutely draining to be putting on performance daily.
Journaling provides me with a way to express myself without judgment. Human beings are social creatures, but what happens when you don’t get to be a normal Human being? You face ridicule, scapegoating or accusations of awkwardness. One is made to be ostracized and isolated, but desperate to belong socially?
Why do we punch down on others so they can belong? That just sounds like emotional abuse. Yet generations have laughed it off as, ‘joking’ or ‘hazing’ or most enraging, “innocent fun.”
The “innocent fun” excuse is the most egregious to me. There is nothing innocent about it, it just leads to the justification of genocide. Some will think of that as extreme, but that’s the end goal of all types of othering.
If you can condition a population to remove the personhood of the other, then they won’t feel guilt when calling for their extermination. This is the thought process that I’ve had every time I see this “innocent fun”.
It’s a way to express anger without the risk of violence.
I write as a form of anger management. I live in a world where I am not considered a person, but a thing. The world is conditioned to expect and demand my death. Whether social or physical, my destruction must occur for society to function. I am not allowed to point this out in general company. It makes people ‘uncomfortable’. This is a reality that I cannot avoid. Sure I am in a position where I don’t have to interact with the general public, but the threat is always there whenever I leave the house.
I’m tired of having to make others feel safe so I don’t potentially get killed. It sucks and it sucks that people are just okay with it. Worse, when you take steps to prevent that shit, like keeping to oneself, suddenly you must be ‘planning’ something. I am policed by my own thoughts, actions and society. No wonder I hate social interaction.
There are no physical outlets for this pent-up aggression because it just reinforces the stereotype of violence and criminality that is associated with my skin and maleness. So I write as a form of compensation. It is the only form of acceptable protest that won’t lead to my potential destruction.
Granted I’m not stupid enough to put violent rhetoric on the internet. Instead, I’ve kept a number of written journals on times when I feel my rage boiling to the top. Writing about the rage-inducing incidents calms me down. It allows me to vent without being seen as a threat any more than I am to the dominant society.
Conclusion Journaling is Compensatory and Restorative
With the above arguments in mind, I have come to the conclusion that journaling is both compensatory and restorative. Journaling is compensatory in that it allows one to express their true thoughts and feelings that social position/personality would not allow. It is restorative by allowing the anger one feels at transgressions to be put out into the open without risk of violence between both parties. Until such a time the system of white supremacy is destroyed and replaced with a system of justice, journaling will have to suffice.
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