I am still using writing prompts to build my foundations. Today’s prompt is stating the meaning of my life. The short answer is to be happy. The longer answer gets more complicated. Happiness is something that I often struggle with because everything is fucked from my socially dead perspective. I will use a James Baldwin quote that expresses my current worldview:

“To be a Negro in this country and to be relatively conscious is to be in a rage almost all the time. ”

There is this underlying rage that I have that comes from my social death. I am infuriated that I and billions like me suffer the indignity of not being seen as Human. Furthermore, we can’t react in violence because it perpetuates the justification of our non-being. To many other people, we can NEVER be Human. Yet, we are supposed to strive for an ideal that was never meant for us.

It’s a nightmare and takes everything one has to not blow up at people. And when we do blow up, it is often at our immediate families because of the powerlessness. I can’t be this person anymore. I’d rather be happy becoming myself.

We live in a world of assumptions. Humans beings take mental shortcuts to avoid self-awareness. I have seen this in all areas of Human activity. From my own observations, we are all enslaved to the fear of death. It doesn’t matter status, material comfort, sex, gender identity, sexual orientation, religiosity/spiritualism etc.—we are all afraid to die.

I no longer want to be afraid of dying. It’s why I withdraw and try to create. I create so I am less afraid to die. Further, I become happier when I am less afraid of dying. That thought is why I still choose to live, miserable at times I may be.

Writing is creating, therefore it makes me happy

I initially started blogging as a way to make money. In nine years, I have made a whopping *checks notes* 0.25USD—yay. Being happy takes consistency. It requires investing time and energy to create instead of being miserable. Drinking and drug use took away from that for a decade. I understand and have to own that choice from the past.

Relationships, vacations, sexual encounters, and owning property have never appealed to me. It just adds to the burden of being a debt slave.

In summary: I try to create so that I am less afraid to die and in being less afraid of dying I can become happy in a way the material world has been unable to provide.

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