I’m taking a different approach instead of writing about learning to code.Black introvert self discovery isn’t often written about.When I first attempted to blog again, the focus was on landing a tech job. Stopping to think about it, coding will always be there for anybody who wants it. I know I do want it, but not bad enough yet. Researching what could work for me is the missing step. Exploring interest parallel with software engineering makes happy.Being black and introverted however, there isn’t much information that I’ve found relevant to my experiences.
I keep trying to force myself to say that a tech career is what I want. What I really want to be is a paid creative. Coding is just one route to realizing that goal. The other routes for me are drawing and writing.Now that those two paths are open, paid creativity is one more obtainable. My happiness comes from analyzing and creating things. Having figured that out, I planned out my goals for the next year.
Here’s how: A Black Introvert answers “7 Powerful Questions to Find Out What You Want to Do With Your Life”
How the fuck did I reach this point?
It was the end of my first week as a sales rep. At this point in the training the only thing I had to do was memorise my pitch, know how to handle objections and try and get a bill presented. Once the bill was present, my trainer would take over for the next steps. Easy enough, but at this point I felt off doing this job. My trainer was wondering what was going on, I was getting the training and had progressed a lot from the first day. Today I was making the same mistakes from day one.
After some conversations and reassuring that it gets easier, I knew I wasn’t going to last. Still I was bound by integrity and continued on anyway. After debriefing and commuting home I was feeling empty. I’m not excited about meeting people and I wasn’t interested in the management career path. The titles I would eventually earn, “setter, accounts manager, leadership coordinator, supervisor” all left a sinking feeling in my stomach. I let my trainer know that I didn’t feel right about what I was doing. I don’t like to be seen if I don’t have too, especially when you don’t belong to the dominant group.A black introvert trying to find themself is discomforting to people.
I’m the wrong kind of outsider a black introvert
Granted my trainer was also part of an outside group, the difference being that he had resources from back home that he could tap into that were alien to me. He got the job six months ago when he first arrived and could barely speak English. But he had money from 3 businesses back in his home country, you know, something I lack.
Even though we’re both outsiders, he would be seen as less of a threat because he likes to see people. As a black introvert, I don’t have that luxury.
Then he tried to make the emphasis on treating my pitch like money I would make. I know I can learn it, but there is no interest there. Money stopped being of interest when I could never make enough. Life is easy for anybody who can talk and connect with people. That’s not the type of person I want to be, even temporarily. I want to play into my strength of being a black introvert going through self discovery.
Reflection and Introspection, I don’t want material things
So I decided to do what I do best, reflect on what I actually want out of life. I know I have an idea, but I’m not sure what it would look like.Money, status, hard-work and achievement never resonated with me. These are important things in life but never motivated me.Hard work just sounds like romanticizing futility. Achievement was always pushed as “luxury goods” like fancy clothes or cars.None of these things made sense to me. The people who had gotten these things did so because they wanted them. I knew I wanted something more, it just wasn’t going to be some type of tangible object.
Feeling like shit,because I couldn’t even handle one of the easiest jobs in the world, I retreated to one of my old comforts. Refelction. It costs nothing, gives me a sense of the bigger picture and didn’t involve putting on a mask on who I am. Doing a web search on”what to do with my life” presented the article “7 Powerful Questions to Find Out What You Want to Do With Your Life”.
This is the perfect thing I needed as a blakc introvert attempting self discovery.
1)What are the things I’m the most passionate about?
Over the years this list has changed a lot but I always seem to come back to these subjects. The list is kind of long but here they are:
- Scientific literacy
- Investing
- Language learning
- Drawing and writing to express myself
- Seeing the big picture
- Playing videogames
- Wandering around on my own
- Intellectual conversation
- Exercising
- Doing my own thing without question(autonomy….lovely word!)
From this list I know I want something where I’m not intruded upon or have to rely on teamwork.I’m a black introvert and social situations drain me. I know I can work with others if it’s a subject I have geniuine interest. Those situations have been non-existent from the jobs I’ve had. Now that I have an idea of my passions, the next question requires me to think deeper.
2)What are my greatest accomplishments so far?
- Created a blog, a youtube channel, newgrounds page and Instagram
- 3 years as a reserve infantry soldier(not the best but could do the job)
- Sobriety for 75 days
- Went from 290 to 245 lbs in 6 years
- Paid off 4 years of credit card debt
- Tried all forms of post-secondary education(college, university and trade school)
- Taught myself web development, information technology administration and penetration testing
Increasing online presence is needed in this day and age.It’s easier than meeting in real life and does work for me. This is the point where I’m thinking. Hey, I could actually get paid to make stuff from my home! I know doing these things made me happy. Recording videos, sketching, writing these post, analysing ip addresses, these make me feel whole as a person. I’m even grinning thinking of all the possibilities from my head. I’m having fun when I do these things. I want more of this feeling in my life.
The thing about being inside your head is that you let your imagination take you places where you’d like to be. Leading to the next question.
3)If my life had absolutely no limits what would I choose to have? What would I choose to do?
- Use multiple sources of income to live anywhere in the world
- Make art daily
- Analyze and fix code
- Stop malicious computer users
- Pay for medical school in the Caribbean and do residency around the world
- Learn to pilot airplanes, helicopters and ships
- Design machines, programs, buildings
- Work at a research lab doing experiments
- Buy tech stocks and live off the dividends
- Learn Artificial Intelligence and Machine Learning
- Pay of the folks mortgage and my student load debts
- Not have to fake my real self
The medical school one sticks out the most. It shows that at one time I could see myself helping people by interacting with them. Furthermore it shows that status was once important to me. I mean lots of people know black doctors and at one point I knew I wanted to be one. At the time, the reasoning was to show another black male that you don’t have to be limited to what society thinks you’re capable of. As I got older I realise that I didn’t have the temperment to be successful. Yet I’m still writing this out at this point in my life because part of that dream is still there.Maybe I’ll make a webcomic about it one day.
Thus leading to the next question.
4)What are my goals in life? All things a black introvert would love!
- Be paid to be creative
- Become a software engineer with a focus on cybersecurity
- Work remotely
- Make webcomics
- Stop having my family worry about me financially
- Become an art and game streamer
This question I still need to think deeper about. At this point, I know I want to be creative for my own benefit. If money can be generated from creativity, all the better. Software engineering(is my fake it until I make it) is still relevant but I don’t make any programs for fun yet. Cybersecurity has more of an analytical method which I like but it’s not an entry level position. Working remotely because I don’t like shallow socialization that is part of in person employment. Making webcomics because it’s easier using letters and pictures to express myself. Not being able to keep steady employment is a source of worry for my family. I understand where they’re coming from but just going out and getting a job doesn’t exist anymore.I’ve attempted game streaming once before and it’s something I’d like to get better at doing.
Now that I’m getting closer to what I feel inside, here’s the next question.
5)Whom do I admire most in the world?
My family. They put up with me at my worst while I’m trying to be a better version of myself. That’s something I’m always going to be grateful for, even though I might not be able to express it verbally. Which leads to probably the easiest question to answer.As a black introvertbeing around my family has helped with my self discovery.
6)What do I not like to do?
This list is pretty self explanatory so I’m not going beat a dead horse
- Dressing professionally
- Cutting my hair to look professional
- Faking enthusiasm when talking to complete strangers
- Get drunk and depressed
- Waking up early for something other than myself
- Having a 3 hour commute
- Pitching people about products I’m not really interested in
- Bothering people
- Walking around Toronto to generate leads instead of exploring
- Meeting quotas and or deadlines
- Talking to strangers sober
- Being paid on performance
- Told to not think about things
- Care about material possessions(luxury cars, clothes, etc boring and pointless)
- Being face to face with people just for a job
Thus leading to the last and most important question.
7)How hard am I willing to work to get what I want
I need to get money for my hobbies and do it consistently.Unfortunately, I don’t kepp employed long enough to put money towards them full time. The best option for me is to try an monetize my hobbies. This is a way to get to where I want to be as a person and not have to pay the social tax of being a black man in the work place.
The steps are already in place to get it off the ground, now it’s just to refine and execute more frequently.
Final Takeaways: I am a black introvert whose ongoing self discovery involves tapping into my desire to create
Answering these questions has given me a way to who I want to be. I know that writing and introspection are my strengths that compliment the rest of my creative goals. All goals require a plan and for once I know what to do. This is the start to the life that I want and I’ll share those struggles as they come. My hope is that another introvert finds this and acts upon the strengths they may not be aware.
Thanks for reading.