This is one of my insomnia post. I’ve been awake since 10pm the prior evening. Thoughts always racing, never quieting. My drawing a blank. Not because I had a bad day, it was actually quite productive. I accomplished the art goals I set out. I posted my sketches for critique on the communities I frequent. I’ve gained more confidence in using Manga Studio 5.Autonomy, being left alone to focus and draw all day. Finally getting in all the practice necessary to imporve. A place where my introversion wouldn’t be off putting, my family’s home. Yet the feeling of defeat and apathy returned with full force.It was dreadful knowing I’d have to adapt my introversion to employment seeking. Writing this out is my way of dealing with debt and depression.
Reality really sank in when I got a notice from payment for an outstanding course that needed to be paid off. To make it worse there were changes to my student loan repayments. Basically the provincial government turned the grants I had gotten into loans to repay. So that’s an extra four grand in interest tacked ontop of the nineteen thousand I was paying down. It is inevitable that I have to find something stable and soon. The diffuculties I’ve had with employment are summarized here.
The industries that I can be employed are starting to get more selective.General labour, kitchen slave (errggh…staff) and sales aren’t a good fit for me.Yet they’re the only things available.This realization is the start of what I call my introversion, debt and depression loop.
Introversion, Debt and Depression
Again I won’t go into the details behind my introversion. It is a strength I have yet to fully utilize in being paid for, eductaion would greatly help, but is behind a financial barrier. Being keenly aware that nobody wants to pay a 29 year old drop out to think is the start of depression. It means having to prepare resumes for “entry level”, read unskilled, employment. Looking through the experience for the jobs gets more depressing. Then looking at pay rates and when the shifts are brings me further into the darkness.Adding to that, is that I rely on public transit, so my commutes average one to three hours. Owning a car requires money and a license which leads to more sunken thought process.
Debt on the other hand was initial credit card and student loans. The credit card is handled now, well it was, until this course payment issue came up. The student loans I could handle becuase they offer assistance, but the daily interest combined with the grant conversion to loan is discouraging.So now I’m stressing about when I’ll have to choose repayment assistance or seriously consider researching bankruptcy.. Twenty-three thousand in student debt is a lot to pay off when you’ve never made more fiften thousand. Making that connections leads me further into depression.
Ah depression, the disease of civilization, as many quote. Don’t get me wrong, I quite like socitey civilization, I just struggle to fit into roles deemed acceptable for me.
I will value my time, employers never will, that’s why I can never stay
Some may scoff and retort “You have to forge your own destiny” and I am aware of that.The difference is I’m outsider as an introverted black man. Employment is supposed to just meet income needs. Soft skills are a necessary evil, especially if you really can’t verbalize your discontent. More people are aware of the futility and hold out due to obligation. The reason I’m even writing is to get avoid these obligations.I’m already in a debt trap and no amount of labour will get me out.Networking won’t work for me because I don’t have a very big social circle. Also the events that I can go to are just more low income employ.
Thus doing everything right leads me to being wrong for me. Dealing with my debt and depression involves trying to get back employed. My creative goals can’t be met without more income. Finding a source of income that I can tolerate is my problem. But I have to rely on the “good faith” of others and navigate a lifestyle I want nothing to do with. Yet I need help from those I distrust. That’s on me and it will only get harder as my parents age. I’m my biggest obstacle and I don’t know who to trust or ask for help.
So what’s my plan?
Dealing with my debt and depression will move me closer to my creative goals. I refuse to compromise on that. But I know I’ll never fully live my life if I don’t take the risk on trusting others. I have enough hours to finally qualify for unemployment insurance. After 9 years of part time jobs, yeah I’ll fucking take it. I’ll keep working on my art goals daily because that is what I actually want. I can reachout to community employment services to see what they offer. Currently a Mechatronics certification is offered winter 2020, but the financial issues persist. I guess I’ll apply for scholarships.
There’s also the darkest timeline of re-enlisting with the regular force. This would provide me with paid training, job experience in tech and travel opportunties. The downsides however are isolated areas, soft bigotry/ignorance and being treated like a child until(if) I reach a supervisory role.
There’s an in person bootcamp, also prohibitively expensive. Some however are offer scholarships and income sharing(still researching and contacting). Stopping to think I do have options it’s just finding a reason to stay long enough. Perhaps, I’ll look for freelance writing job, that is if AI hasn’t taken over yet.
I still don’t like giving up my time, but it’s the only option I have right now.
Thanks for reading.