The Ealry Morning Thoughts
Feeling much better this morning. Woke up at a reasonable hour and did a yoga routine.I have a couple of hours before the job and going to attempt to draw for a bit.In doing these writings I am free to examine my thoughts more clearly. Really stopping and reflecting on my situation, it isn’t as bad as others have it.
Being aware of this causes me feelings of guilt for reasons I’m still trying to unpack. I know that as much as I still chaffe at employment, it is only temporary.I understand employment from home is something that others would love to have. The world would be better if we aggressively investeind in automating most employment.Having that awareness makes me temper my thoughts and examine my own complicity in perpetuating inequality.As a contractor, I am painfully aware that I contribute to the system that subjugates so many.
I am an outsourced element that saves a company money. It’s hard to be excited about being a machine. Given my racialized place in society, I see no reason in exalting complex subjugation.
Furthermore, I am also aware that I’m serving an industry that has benefitted from siphoning resources from the people. When I work this position as a private contractor I feel cognitive dissonance.I understand and benefit from government spending and programs like this.Yet ,I’m also aware that the resources used to employ someone like me could have been better served as guaranteed income for others.
Employment makes me complicit
That guranteed income is an opportunity for people to escape shitty situations. Shitty situations that are amplified by the way we think about work.Many people and myself,at one time believed that hardwork would be are path towards prosperity. Unfortunately that was only true for those who had inherited wealth. For generations we were sold a lifestyle that wasn’t meant for the vast majority of people.
It didn’t matter if you couldn’t afford the lifestyle; it only had to look like you were making it. This is an aspect of the collective white inferiority complex that conitnues to subjugate the Global Majority of Citizens. There is no unseeing it or turning a blind eye to the current economic violence that all continue to perpetuate.
So even by doing my job, I am contributing to this oppression. When I tell myself this outloud, it gives me the courage to keep trying to get the fuck out of this nightmare. Slowly but surely it’s happening and these excerpts are part of the escape plan.
Acceptance and moving forward
Having placed down my feelings and done some more introspection; I’ve come to the conclusion that I can only take things one day at a time. While I am incapable of changing systems by myself, there is a larger pool of Humans I can reach out and connect with. It will be slow and painful, but at least we can try to change things for the better.