Continuing to write my thoughts in isolation.
Woke up a bit before the alarm today. Still I sat around examining my thoughts for day. I managed to do a yoga routine and decided I’d do my art on this evening or the weekend.(This did not come to pass).
I had received words of encouragement from a fellow writer on my mental stateon my medium post. What they’re saying makes sense and I have to remember that I’m not alone in this.While I know my mind will continue to fight against it, I have to tell myself everything is okay.
Looking at Medium for inspiration
I read through and posted a response to an article on non-White and Black Journalist have been sounding the alarm on white supremacy. I truly greatful for Medium as a platform because I can see stories that acknowledges the coercive world we Humans live within.
By reading and writing on our experiences, we resist and reclaim the parts that were stripped away from us.
In reading post on Medium I’m often reminded of a phrase my brother is fond of telling me:
“Brohagen you have to understand,I’m ‘on’ the Internet whereas you ‘use’ the Internet.”
We’d usually have a laugh about this and proceed to get stoned but what he said isn’t less true. I do try to ‘use’ the internet more than I’m ‘on’ the internet.
‘On’ vs ‘Using’ the Internet:
In being ‘on’ the Internet, I equate it with entertainment and relaxation. So your social media, news and dank memes.In ‘using’ the internet, I gain access to experiences and knowledge without the commom barriers to entry faced by my racial socialization.
Granted on the Internet there exists echo chambers that continue the toxic delusions of our reality but they are being forced into the deeper and dark parts of the internet.
Most people know about the dark web but don’t know just how deep it really goes. I’ll admit I have a morbd curiousity of just how much I can explore within the legal limits of telecoms law. But that’s a thought that’s best left to the imagination, maybe I’ll try an make a comic out of the idea one day.Which brings me to a stunning realization.
I haven’t worked on my webcomic for over a year. When I finally decided to stop alcohol abuse, I was determined to make a webcomic.
I had bought the domain, setup a wordpress theme and even started uploading my art attempts on there. I was so excited when I made my first 6 panel comic.
Yet after that success, the moment faded and has yet to return. I think I’ll take the time to work on comics again. It’s part of my creative goals and it’ll give me peace of mind in these uncertain times. I know that I’m still unpacking unresolved grievances from my racialized work positions of the past. This awarness colours my worldview and the negative outlook I have with renting myself for employment.
Writing that out helps identitfy that I’m still conditioned to accept lesser in life than I deserve. The more I write out and analyze these thoughts, the closer I get to breaking free from the nightmare of “normalcy”. Normal was not meant for me and I shouldn’t make myself go crazy trying to fight a grossly inadequet definition of what or who I should be.
As of writiing, I’ve started to upload another playlist of what I’ve been drawing. It’s not much and needs heavy editing but it’s something that I’ve always wanted to do for myself.
For now I have to continue one day at a time