Suffered from insomnia and have been up since midnight. Managed to get up afterfour hours of lying around. Did yoga and pullups. I think I’m upset that I have to take the cloud engineering exam earlier than I had wanted. But the opportunity was given to me and if I fail I know I can always try again.
My Afropessimistic and Anarchist thought process is screaming at me again. It’s the same valid critiiques. You’re just an expendable tool. You were a diversity hire who happens to be a citizen. You know they’ll pigeonhole into this role, because you lack credentials. You’re locked into your contract for the next five months.You’ve submitted yourself to a hierarchy and you hate yourself for it. So a normal Wednesday,I suppose.
Granted the training is finishing today but I’m already looking at negatives.
I have to make a work pesrona, follow script guidelines and rent myself at slightly above market price…fun.
I guess that comes with being aware that you exist in a system that codefies your disadvantage. The only reason I got this job was because I checked boxes in this system. Even though I’m getting paid, I know it’s not what it should actaully be.
Those thoughts ends up distracting me from efforts to monetize my hobbies and leading to the depressed state I’m in now.
I find that writing and uploading these thoughts does help. But it also tells me that I’m not in the right mindset to accomplish my creative goals today. Well at least not the art goals.
Writing the random thoughts I have in my head is better than keeping them inside to fester.
I wonder when the last time I tried talking to another person that wasn’t my immediate family or coworkers.
Honestly it’s been months since anyone has tried to reachout to me. I know we’re all busy and complying with restrictions. But there seems to be this block that says don’t bother.
I know they play videogames online.But gaming is something I’d rather do alone nowadays. I’ve been on a dating site trying to meet new people but to no avail.
I don’t know what people like or are interested in. I send out generic safe messages because I don’t want to come off as creepy. So I haven’t been using it much lately, I might delete the app.
I’m on art forums and discords for critique but avoid the genral chat and discussions. I never try to know what other people are doing and it feels that if I try reaching out to people it would be for my own validation. That’s a toxic way of thinking and I don’t want to subject people to that.
So I continue to isolate. I’m still very defensive and anxious aorund people even behind a screen.
I know I feel alone, but I don’t think I’m in a place where I can deal with these feelings appropriately. I still have baggage that I want to examine before I can try and reachout.
What’s another decade right?