Insomnia…..as per usual
I woke up suffering from insomnia again. The bouts are getting more frequent now. I believe it’s a combination of failing my cloud engineering certification exam on the weekend; and the impending drudgery of my coercion on Monday.
Managed to setup a psychological appoint this Friday afternoon. I hope the counsellor will actaully call this time so we can begin to work out these feelings of dread.
Examining the feelings of dread on my own, I’m getting a clearer picture of what’s causing thesefeelings.It’s from equating my employment as a form of coercion. Past experiences as a racialized worker have me view employment as a lie. Though my current contract is arguably much better than my previous roles—the trauma from previous employment experiences hasn’t been resolved. The hurt from working jobs far beneath my abilities/interests; combined with an awareness systemic disadvantages have made it impossible for me to see the positives of any type of employment.This is one of the reasons I’m seeking counselling.
I would withdraw inside my mind and suffered in silence. I couldn’t trust the people I was working with. Everytime that I had put my trust in people to which I was subordinated I was let down. This is reflected in my staggered work history and alcoholism.
Started working on my comics again
This is what drives my desire to break free from this contract. The curren goal is escaping my obligatory subjugation. As such I turned my attention back to my art.
A few weekes ago, I started to sketchout ideas for webcomics I wanted to produce. The dread experienced from my insomnia would be put to good use.
Sitting at the drafting table, my streaming software open and my sketchbook thumbails together, I put myself into art mode. I started transfer my pen sketches into the computer. This was my joy. Being my whole self as a playlists of Japanese city pop and Steely Dan played off of my phone.Before I knew it, hours had passed.
Making this little comic made me feel human like no other experience. I love this feeling, it’s the closest I’ve ever come to finding peace in this world of wretched inequality. I think I’ll continue this ritual for the rest of the week.